Sept. 27, 2020

Episode #5 - Change The Easy Way

Episode #5 - Change The Easy Way

Changing any area of your life can be stressful and challenging. In most cases, we decide to ignore the changes that we need to make because we simply don't have the time or tools to create a significant, meaningful transformation that becomes permanent. This episode will give you a new approach to change, and the tools t make it stick. 

Transcript

(00:00):

Welcome to be, do have a simple formula to Uncomplicate your life. My name is Malvin Young. I'm a speaker entrepreneur and brand partnership manager with a well-known TV production company. This show is about a straightforward formula that I've used to coach hundreds of people over the last 15 years to overcome many challenges. Personally, I don't like to coach on any area of life that I haven't improved on myself. So lucky for you. I've had to overcome big challenges in the areas of relationship, finances, health, anxiety, and depression. Then after a crazy car accident, I had to do it all over again. I'm really excited about this show today, because what I'm about to share with you is made a huge impact on my life. And more importantly, I've seen many others who have practices methods, breakthrough barriers that have been holding them back their entire lives. Also, please subscribe to get the most value out of this podcast. As each episode, will build on each other. Welcome to episode number five, where we discuss change the easy way,

(01:09):

You know, you might be thinking, how can change be easy? The reality is for most people, change is a really hard thing to do. Doesn't matter what area of our life we're talking about could be changes in our finances, make changes in our health, make changes in our relationship or career our performance, our thinking it's just, um, we're so conditioned to really operate a certain way based on our past experiences, our education, our exposure, our environment, our friends, our peers, our family, uh, really makes up our conditioning. And therefore we have created these habits and through these habits, we've developed our life. How do we go about changing any one area of our life? Well, in most cases it seems like it's impossible. So what I want to talk about today is how can you apply change in a very simple way, although it's going to take work.

(02:11):

I, I'm not saying that it's simple to do. It's just a simple formula and it's a lot more simple than the traditional way. See people don't generally change unless the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. And what that really means is pain has to be inflicted at a high enough high enough level that staying the same, uh, really just isn't an option anymore only then only in those situations. Like for an example, if we're diagnosed with a certain health issue, uh, if there's a death in the family, uh, if there is a loss of a job, um, you know, generally these type of that happen in life, wake us up. And then we realize we have to make a change. And only then we have drummed up enough energy because of that event in order to make the change.

(03:11):

And I love to share a really quick story with you just to kind of solidify and make sense of that statement. I said earlier, when people only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. So this story, uh, it's probably just a made up story, really just to drive home a point, but I love it. It made a lot of sense to me when I heard this story and it really helped me understand a change in a new way. So the story starts off with a, you gotta think that the setting is like, let's say Southern us, uh, Georgia area in the Southern country area, you got an old man sitting on a rocking chair on his front deck and he has his dog sitting right next to them. We've probably all seen an image like this in a movie, uh, in a picture

(04:10):

And in this story, the dog is always howling, just always howling. And so people would walk by all the time and the dog would just be howling. And finally, one day somebody had enough nerve to ask the owner, Hey man, why is your dog always howling all the time? And he said that dog. He said, well, that dog, he lays in the same spot every day. And where he lays is a rusty nail. And therefore he's howling all the time. And so that person asked him, why doesn't he just move? And he said, well, the pain is only enough to make them how not enough to make a move. Think about that and think about our own lives. See, we've become comfortable in our own lives, in a lot of the areas of our lives. And therefore we are comfortable and we will complain about the pain that we go through, but it's not enough pain to make a change.

(05:22):

And therefore we wait until an event, a circumstance happens in order for us to change. And so if I'm going to share with you today, how to make change in your life, I hope right now is a really good time to maybe be looking at change simply because everything that's going on the world is forcing everything to change. And you know, a lot of us will say statements like I don't like change. Well, the world doesn't care if you like change or not. What's inevitable is that the world is constantly changing and we must change with it. Staying the same way in a changing world is only going to create more chaos for ourselves. I'm not saying you have to follow what everyone else is doing. What I'm saying is that we need to change and evolve ourself so that we're constantly being happy in that this, this face of new change.

(06:28):

So with that said, I know there's people out there right now that are losing their jobs because of the current States of the world. Like the Corona virus, um, you know, is a, is a major change in the world. There's like, I think I read the other day, there's 500 million jobs lost globally because of this pandemic. So how many people are forced into change. And for some people that might be so much pain that they just have to go and make some change. And for some other people, maybe they have some support financially to get through this and they'll just wait to get their preexisting job or find something similar. But I say, why not get in touch with ourselves and really look at what's important to us and maybe create something for yourself going forward. And, um, so I just really think that this is a really, uh, super timely time for this topic because we're all faced with major global changes, which is forcing a lot of us to change.

(07:43):

So, but because change is so hard for people, I really want to give you the easy way, and this is not going to be easy in the sense of, Oh, I just sit on the chair and meditate and think, and then everything is different. It's going to be easy in the sense that it's a heck of a lot easier than waiting for circumstances and events and, um, life-threatening events to occur in order for us to change. So, uh, in today, um, in today's episode, I really want to focus on what we learned on the first and second episode, which is our power of choice, which is the be, do have formula and how, uh, we actually utilize this for change. So I would like to offer this tool with the thought that you have to apply the work in order to get the result. I know a lot of people listen to podcasts, they read books, but they don't take the action.

(08:45):

I'm going to give you the necessary steps that you need today in order to take the actions in order to make the change that you want. So, first of all, I really think very, very important, get a pen and paper out and start writing down. What's important to you. If you're working, working on finances or your career or your health, just right in those areas, what is important to you and what type of results do you want to have? And most importantly, who do you want to be as a person in the face of that area? So I want to give you a real live example, uh, that I worked on years ago. And I'm just going to be flat out vulnerable here and share this with you. Um, and the reason so I can share this so easily is because I went to work on it really hard, and there's no more pain.

(09:41):

Lefters no, no pain there because the change has occurred. And it did take some time time, but to be honest, it was bad or to make the change than the pain that I was going through by staying the same. So when I was, um, around the age 26, I started noticing a real pattern my life. And that pattern was I wasn't good in relationships with women at all. It was like the same pattern kept occurring. I would be with somebody three months later, I would start pushing them away. And they would say, what the heck, man? I thought everything was going good here. Uh, you know, and we're getting closer and there, right. It was going good and we're getting closer, but I would push them away and I would end up breaking up with them and then thinking, well, I need to find somebody else.

(10:35):

That's just right. And the same thing would occur. We'd get close and then I'd pushed them away. So when I noticed that pattern, I just thought it's never going to work. I'm never gonna find anyone that I'm, you know, completely in love with and that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And that was saddening to me. So I had gone on to some personal development courses that were more related to, uh, I would say finances, but within them that, uh, I had discovered that, uh, patterns happened and habits happen throughout our whole lives. And if it can, if I can make a change within my finances, I can also make a change within my relationships. So how that played out for me me was I was looking at, I was looking at these patterns and I started realizing the one common denominator was me.

(11:31):

I kept pushing them away. So the question to me was why do I keep pushing them away? What's that? What, what am I afraid of that when they get close to me and I get close to them that I break up, put them well, when I sat with that long enough, I had realized that I didn't women. And I started looking at my past. And when I looked at my past, I realized that, uh, you know, I was covering up something. I had a step-mom that was pretty abusive in many ways, you know? And, um, for that reason, I just didn't trust women. I just didn't believe what they had said, how I came to that realization was, and this is step number one. Well, actually, step number two, step number one, write down what it is that you want, how you would really like things to be.

(12:28):

Step. Number two is really start looking at that area of your life. And in my case, it was relationships. And I had to start writing down, who am I being in these relationships? That's not working. So there's areas that I was being that was working. So for example, I was being nice. I think I was being loving. I was being fun. Uh, I was happy, but those worked. But then there was ways that I was being, that wasn't working, which was, um, I was being untrusting. I was being worried. Like they may lie to me. I was being dissatisfied because I just thought at the time I thought all women are just going to lie to me to get what they want. I was being unloving, even though I was being loving, I was being unloving in the sense that when it got to a certain point, I would push them away.

(13:34):

I was being, uh, ignorant. Like I wasn't learning what was important to these girls. I was just worried and concerned about me. So those were the ways that didn't work. And that was hard to face because it's so much easier to point the fingers at them and say, well, it's their fault. But you know, to sit down and write a list of all the ways of being from me, pointing the fingers at myself that are not working. And then, uh, looking at me rather than them, that's a hard task to do. But like once one, once upon a time, uh, my, my mentor had told me Malvin, if you do the hard things, now, things will be easy later. So yes, it was hard to sit down and it was hard to analyze my ways of being that weren't working in the areas of relationships.

(14:32):

So if I was being ignorant, what were the actions I was taking? I was probably when they were talking to me like falling on deaf ears, I wasn't listening. Didn't care. Wasn't concerned if I was be untrusting, what was I doing? I was entrusting anything they say, and I would blame them. So those were my actions. And then if those were the actions, what type of results do you think I'd have? Well, arguments and breakups. So that was the pattern over and over and over again. So when I got real with who do I want to be, I really started to see change almost instantly. But before that, I had to, I realize, what do I want? What kind of relationship do I want? And that was interesting because we all know the answers to that. And, uh, come from a very young age, we have this idea of how we would want a relationship to be.

(15:36):

And then eventually someone tells you, it's kind of like a fairytale. It's not possible. Those things don't happen well, regardless, write down what it is that you want. In a, in my case, it was a relationship for you. If you're working on finances, you write down, what do you want with your finances? Uh, you know, if you write down a million dollars, uh, in the next year, some people may tell you that's a fantasy and not possible. Who cares? Let's just write it down on a piece of paper, very simple exercise. So I went ahead and I wrote down what it is. And, um, it was amazing. And I wrote down what it is that I want. It was very easy for me to look back and say, well, who do I need to be in order to achieve that? So obviously through and through, I'd have to be loving.

(16:32):

I'd have to be understanding. I'd have to be vulnerable. I'd have to be real. I'd have to be respectful. And it was those ways of being that actually helped me make the change more so than what do I need to do? I didn't have to change my actions upfront. I needed to get real with and take responsibility with who I was being that was producing the results that I didn't want and start being the person that I wanted to be see in order to get the results that I wanted. And what's funny is when you get connected with that person, when you get connected with yourself and you realize who you need to be in order to achieve that, you'll read, it lies that you've always wanted to be that way, except somewhere along the way, some events have happened, or we were taught something, or we seen a movie that moved us away from that way of being, or those ways of being so really by doing this exercise, step one, writing down you ideally the situation that you really want.

(17:52):

Number two is really looking at who have you been being up to this point that hasn't been working and number three, really rediscovering who do you need to be in order to achieve that? And what's crazy about this process is that it doesn't end there. It just really starts because when you discover who it is that you need to be in order to achieve that next step is to write those on a piece of paper. And as cheesy as this may sound, carry it with you. Wake up in the morning, have a look at it and practice, practice being that way throughout the day, because practice makes, I know most of you are going to say permanent or sorry. Practice makes most people say perfect. The reality is practice makes permanent the more you practice, these ways of being the more it will be in your bones.

(18:54):

And the more it will be, who you become on a daily basis. Naturally, let me ask you this. Have you ever woke up, got in your car, drove to work, got to work and said, wait a minute. I don't remember exactly how I got to work. Even if I went through a stop sign or a red light, simply because we did this automatically. And the way that you're being, that doesn't work in the area of either your finance, your relationships, your health, whatever it is is because it's automatic. Meaning you've learned over time. You've practiced over time without even thinking about it, just like driving to work. You've drove so much that you can do it almost unconsciously. It's actually subconsciously it's happening in the background. You're just so good at it. And in order to make change in our life, we are going to have to practice new ways of being over and over and yes, making mistakes, but practicing these new ways of being consciously daily, you'll notice that they will become a new automatic behavior.

(20:18):

So for example, in the area of relationships for me, what was once really hard to do like to be respectful? Uh, that was hard. I wasn't respectful before because I always believed that it wasn't going to work out anyway, but now being respectful as an automatic response, being loving as an automatic response, do I still slip into behavior, old ways of being absolutely. However, I'm just much more conscious to take ownership and own that behavior and practice continue practicing new ways of being, but over time, by practicing these new ways of being, it will become your new automatic response in that area. So if you're talking about changing your finances, for example, you know, be wealthy, be happy. Most people are being stressed, being worried, being frustrated around money. But if you're being happy, if you're being clear, if you're being responsible, if you're, uh, being respectful of the money, be happy around money, you'll notice that you'll just get different results. So what I'm trying to say in this whole episode here, the essence of change is by practicing new ways of being and over time, they will become your new automatic ways of being, which are going to spawn new action. Think about it, what to pack, what to happy people do. They do happy actions and therefore they get results somewhere in the realm of happiness. What do wealthy people do?

(22:08):

What do they do? They take actions of a wealthy person which might be investing, saving, looking for opportunity. And then what do they get? They get the results of a wealthy person. So it isn't like one, they had to work really hard and do all these things to become wealthy. That's a part of it, but who there were being had to shift or already was at one point in their life. And that pattern continued, uh, until the results actually became. So for example, I have a very good friend who I remember, he was always acting like a millionaire, acting like it all the time and trust me, he was broke. I know him. I grew up with him. And what was funny is that he would always, when I would bug him about that and say, why are you acting like a millionaire man? And he goes, well, I am, I'm just waiting for the paperwork to catch up.

(23:04):

And that was very insightful because today is very, very, very wealthy. You know, in retrospect, looking back at that, he was really being wealthy and he took the actions of a wealthy person, which therefore got the results of a wealthy person. So in the area of relationships, same thing for me, I sucked at them. I had something to clean up. I had to take responsibility. I had to look at myself, had to look at the ways that were not working. And I had to transform that by me, practicing new ways of being, and by practicing these new ways of being continuously and observing, they became automatic, not perfect. They just became more permanent. They became the more dominant response rather than the old responses. So I hope this conversation really helps you understand this whole be, do ma uh, be, do, have model, how it works and the importance of looking at yourself in order to make change.

(24:11):

I think, you know, we throw out these words, they're in the personal development world a lot, it's like take responsibility for your own actions. Like own them take ownership. That's a, that's a common one that I hear a lot. And what I'm teaching you today is exactly how to take ownership. There's no fingers pointing outwards. All fingers are pointing inwards at yourself because I remember, I believe it was Jim Rohn or Zig Ziglar. I can't remember which one said this, but they said, if you change, what's on the inside. Everything on the outside changes automatically, same thing applies here. We have to change who we're being, which is inside work, which is our beliefs, which is our thoughts. You know, changing this by changing our way of being will spawn new action, new opportunity and new results for sure. 100% of the time. So I'm sharing the area of relationships with you today, but not to impress you, but just simply to press upon you.

(25:17):

I was able to apply these same concepts to every single area of my, of my life. I've been at a time. I'm not saying go and change your whole life today in one moment, but take one area that you most where you feel the most pain, where you feel the most weight and make changes there because it will have a profound effect on other areas of your life. So today I hope that you can pick one area that you want to change, start writing down what it is that you want in that area start analyzing who are you being? That's not working in that area. Of course you have ways that do work in that area, but the ways that are not working. So if I were to talk about finances, just to give you another example, what wasn't working for me was, you know, I wasn't respectful to money.

(26:08):

I was being disrespectful. I'd get it, I'd spend it, I'd spend more of it than I even made. So if I were to even just change that to be respectful and every time money came in, actually respect it, use it to pay the bills and buy things that I absolutely need and put some money away for giving and put some money away for saving and investing. Then if I did that, practice that over and over each day, where will my finances be in the future? I can just tell you my finances today are in a much better place than they were had. I kept going down that path. I was going before. I really think, you know, I wouldn't have been able to afford to get the microphone to do this podcast in the first place, because it was an unhealthy pattern and I needed to change it.

(26:59):

So I'm hoping today that you see through this conversation that you can make change. And again, just to repeat it, sit down, write down what it is that you want to change. That area you're working on, what it is that you want, analyze yourself, points, all fingers inwards. Don't beat yourself up, just look at it honestly, and realize that there's ways of being that are not working for you in that area. Write them down, then write down what it is that you actually want to achieve in that area of your life and revisit who do you need to be in order to achieve that? Write those down on a piece of paper. And your goal is to practice every day, a little bit at a time, mess up it's okay. We're allowed to and continue to practice. And you'll notice through little increments that these new ways of being will actually take a new dominant, uh, response, as opposed to the old patterns, which will create new actions, you'll find yourself doing different things.

(28:16):

And then through those actions, you will get a different response, you know, just to gain one more, uh, thought of clarity around this whole process is have you ever did what someone else did trying to get the same results that they have gotten, but yet you failed to get those results. And that is because there's a difference in between who that person's being and who, who you're being, see who you're being in that situation. And you're just, uh, being a copycat in the sense of look at what they do and do exactly what they do, but your belief system, your thoughts, your, your emotions around that are different than the other person that you're trying to copy. So therefore we really need to focus and take ownership of who we're being. I hope this helps. I hope it makes a difference. And in today's rapidly changing world, I hope you get a pen and paper, start writing this stuff down, follow these steps through. And I would love to get any comments back from anyone, any reviews. And tell me exactly what kind of change you're receiving. And I can tell you that some of this change can happen rapidly a lot quicker than if you were to a do nothing about it, or wait for a circumstance to occur before you can actually make change. I guarantee you, this is the easy way, the fast way, but it will take some hard work and some, and that hard

(30:03):

Work is around. Self-analyzing looking at yourself. I hope you enjoy episode number five. Please take the time if you haven't already done. So to write a review, uh, as well as share this podcast with anyone that you think may need it, please subscribe. These episodes are going to build on each other. And thank you so much for listening. Have a great day.